Thursday, 7 August 2014

My Diet

Source.
I've been trying to get abs for a while.

I run every second day and do planks.

I don't really have them yet because my diet used to be shit but over the past two months I've been changing that.

Breakfast now consists of oats and a banana. Not combined. It took me a while to develop the capability of eating oats without wanting to throw up. Their taste has to be acquired. Adding stuff to them changes their taste and texture enough that my body starts to reject.

A few hours later I have First-Lunch. Cream crackers with peanut butter. There are healthier equivalents to cream crackers but those cost more than 39c. I never really got into peanut butter. I, however, did get into Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I now realise that they just taste like a jar of peanut butter. There's no point in me ever eating any of Reese's products again.

I'm trying vegetarianism out, and to a lesser extent veganism. I can't quite put my finger on my motivations. I think I like the idea of not being indirectly responsible for death. It might also be because I think that women that are vegan are hot and I want them to think I'm hot.

No meat for dinner. For the first few days I felt weak. I assumed it was something to do with weird sleeping patterns. Then I posted my original not-shit diet plan on a diet-advice forum and people told me I needed to eat more and to eat more protein. I ate Quorn that was supposed to look and taste like chicken but didn't, red kidney beans that made me want to throw up because they came in a can and had a weird-smelling preservative liquid, an assortment of vegetables and brown rice. I hated it. It was all bland and with each forkful the fear grew that this could become my everyday.

Then I chopped everything up and put it in a curry to mask the blandness. It's much less depressing.

Second-Lunch is when I cut an apple up and put it in a bowl with peanut butter and Greek-style yogurt. The yogurt is the only thing I eat that isn't vegan. I am yet to try any vegan alternatives. I'll probably get around to that at some point. For now it's a filthy guilty erotic pleasure.

Finally I have Evening Meal. Muesli all up in this bitch. With 'Soya Drink', which I think tastes better than milk.

My diet isn't perfect. I know next to nothing about nutrition. I've read that Muesli can be bad for a variety of reasons. Other foods I'm consuming probably are too. Sugar. Fat. Things I thought that were bad but are actually good, but also bad. It works for me. I don't hate the food. It's cheap. I feel good. I'm making myself more attractive to vegan women, and women in general because of abs.

Disclaimer:


Don't follow my poorly-researched meal plan without first consulting someone who actually knows things about this kind of stuff (like a doctor, for example) or doing some research. I don't know. Also, nobody kill more animals to compensate for my decision to not to eat them. Thank you.

13 comments:

  1. A good curry, chili or Bolognese are easy to make and are great ways to get decent food inside a body.

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    1. Aw yes. I want that decent food inside me.

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  2. Good luck with this. You may want to eat meat occasionally and that would be OK, I think. My cousin (male) started going bald while attempting to become vegan. He went off the diet and started growing hair again. He might not have had enough protein or vitamins or something.

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    1. BALD!?! Maybe I need to re-evaluate my stance on everything. I don't have Vin Diesel's skull, Anon.

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  3. It sounds like a pretty healthy diet, actually. I'm sure you'll lose weight, since you exercise regularly too. I tried going vegetarian for a minute or two. I felt too weak and need the energy of chicken, fish or occasionally, red meat.

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    1. Maybe I'll die. Or maybe I'll become like that vegan guy from Scott Pilgrim.

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  4. I've cut way down on meat and cheese (dropped 25 pounds over the summer), and I don't miss it too much. But I can't go totally vegetarian. I'll always need some meat in my diet.

    And oh my God, if lamb appears in front of me, all bets are off. I will tear the fucking head off of a poofy white lamby-wamby. I don't care. Those things are delicious.

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    1. I see myself eventually reverting to a primal state, stripping off all my clothes and massacring a field of sheep. Running beneath the fulgence of the moon with blood stains across my cheeks.

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  5. If you're short of protein, insects are the perfect meat substitute. Check out the Naked Vegan Cooking blog for other useful recipes. You can also examine the photographic evidence in support of your theory about vegan women.

    http://nakedvegancooking.com/

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    1. I could start a rival blog called 'xxxpornographyvegancooking.com'.

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  6. There's a peanut butter theme going on here. Cheese on toast. Easy, nice and comforting.

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    1. I like peanut butter. It's the most masculine of butters, I feel.

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