Sunday, 3 August 2014

40 Anonymous Messages That I Have Left On My Friend's Spillit

One of my friends has a Spillit. And he should be embarrassed because of it.

If you don't know what Spillit is it's probably because you're older than sixteen. The premise is simple: you create a page and other people leave anonymous messages on it. This is supposed to provide a medium for people to leave each other compliments, and it does, but it also makes it really easy for people to get away with bullying each other. Which isn't surprising but people kept being surprised anyway when teenagers who used the site got bullied and then killed themselves.

He created his account a few years ago, before joining the world of adulthood. During that transition from child to man-child his account became a wasteland, more barren than Joan Rivers likes to remind everybody she is during the punchline to every joke she tells. A few months ago he got a new message for the first time in years and let everybody on Facebook know, without posting a link. He didn't want to provide anyone with an opportunity to spam him with obscenities.

I happened to remember his username and for the past few months have been posting messages as his secret admirer. Here are forty of my favourites:
  1. I want to learn to construct and then program my own robotic version of you. I could then spend as much time with you as I wanted and never have to be afraid of you leaving. You would be mine.

  2. I wish I had your socks so I could wear them around until holes start to form in their bottoms and the skin on my feet wears away where the holes are and my feet bleed and the DNA from your socks mixes with mine. x

  3. I want to drink from your mouth and taste your saliva as it mixes with mine. And force myself to vomit on your face. Then eat it.

  4. I want you to have dreads so I can suck them until I choke to death.

  5. I want to gently caress your skin with my small feeble hands and have it consume them. Your skin stretching and extending along my arm. Until it surrounds me completely and we are one.

  6. There is a high chance that the next time our paths cross I will sweat until I pass out from dehydration because you are so fcking hot. oh my fcking god. nomnomnomnom

  7. I imagine your skin being rough and your arms powerful. If I think about it hard enough I can feel you up and down my back. Your fingers flexing along my flesh.

  8. I draw you sometimes. My hand shakes as I pull the pencil across the page. Sweat loosens my grip. The spaces beneath my fingers grow warm. My palms begin to ache. As I render your face.

  9. I need your warmth against my skin. Ironic that I would desire this given how cool you are.

  10. I listen to Ed Sheeran a lot. When I listen to his voice I imagine he is you and you are serenading me with touching musings and compliments, and warnings about prostitution and drug abuse. I don't need drugs anyway. Not when I can see you.

  11. When I see you it's like someone is plunging a jack into my neck and sending me into a virtual reality. I see you moving in slow motion. But also freakishly fast. I feel safe in your presence because I know you'll save me. You are The One.

  12. Be my Romeo. Except instead of us dying we make passionate love. And the age difference isn't as vast.

  13. My heart knocks harder against my ribs in your presence. To touch you would likely induce a ferocity similar to that of the alien in that movie Alien. My heart would land on the floor in pieces.

  14. I thought I saw you today. I suspect that it might have been just a dream. A beautiful beautiful dream.

  15. You are to my eyes what the keytar is to my ears.

  16. The bird outside my open window caws as the sun sets. I understand how he feels. His day hastening to an end; possibilities eclipsing and crumbling. I feel that with time's progression the likelihood of us ever being together is being drowned.

  17. I just drank some water. I felt each molecule scratching against my throat. Pouring and rearranging. You've made me feel. For the first time. I really need you in my life.

  18. Your voice gently tickles my inner ear. It sends shock waves down the sides of my neck and shivers down my spine.

  19. I breathe deeply to hold back the droplets that come from my eyes with thoughts of you. The knowledge that we will never be together lodges in my throat and it hurts to breathe. I feel your fingers around my heart and all too often they tighten.

  20. When I look at you Coldplay starts playing in my head and my vision goes blurry.

  21. Your eyes pierce through mine and do things to the inside of my head, just behind them. I can't feel myself when I think of you. It's like a perennial numb, that fades, bringing a longing for you back. It hurts.

  22. I have looked at you. You pay less attention to me than I'd like. You probably don't even know my name. To you I am nothing but a passive blur you've likely forgotten about. I know your name. I remember your face.

  23. My blood feels like warm water beneath my face when you cross my mind.

  24. I'm pursuing relationships with men in attempts to find someone who can push out the consuming thoughts I have of you. I am yet to find a person who can do a sufficient job. Thoughts of you keeps my narrowing throat open. You are my oxygen gas.

  25. Let's get together and build a life. I feel like any other existence would be a waste of my time. Always love me. Be a satellite, following my orbit. My man. Until death.

  26. I think about you when I kiss my boyfriend. He told me he thinks about you when he kisses me too. :)

  27. I want to eat your hair. And for your hair to then impregnate me so that I can give birth and that child will trap you in a relationship with me because I know you'd never walk out on your child and your child's mother.

  28. Sometimes when I'm alone I stop and concentrate on my heartbeat. It helps to clear my mind, relieving space for thoughts of you to fill. I think about your gorgeous smile. Tears roll down my face as I am reminded that we will never be together.

  29. u r so amzing aw my god. i so would.

  30. If I am ever in a position where I am lucky enough to make direct physical contact with you I will sever whatever parts of my body you touch and preserve them carefully.

  31. I feel hollow without you. There's an ever present void that your companionship might fill. But I can't be sure. 

  32. I'd love to taste your feet.

  33. I want to put my hand on yours and pour acid all over both of them so the skin melts and our hands join together and we become one forever more.

  34. I want to spoon your smile into my mouth and eat it up.

  35. I wish my life was like the top row of letters on my keyboard so u and i could be together forever.

  36. Sometimes I go on your Facebook page and get pictures and I use Microsoft Paint to make pictures of us and I make them my wallpaper. Not on my computer. On my walls. :)

  37. Haiku: At night I'm alone./ Imagine you ring my phone. / Your face is my throne.

  38. I look at you and food in a similar way. I crave you. Even when I'm not hungry. But I know that too much would make me sick. So I've become resigned to not getting to see you every day. Or even every month. You are delicious.

  39. I need to feel your beard against my face.

  40. A Haiku: Beautiful man-child./ Your hair's so sleek and shiny./ Explode inside me.


  1. I'm not stalking you
    But your room looks so messy
    Through my telescope

  2. You're one hilarious bastard. Where've you been all my blog-life?

    1. I don't have an interesting answer to your question. But our paths have now crossed.

  3. Man, that's love poetry. I'm trying to decide which one Shakespeare might have written. Not the Romeo one, obviously, he's not going to change the ending of one of his plays. I think No.23 has something of the Bard about it.

  4. You had me at "I want you to have dreads so I can suck them until I choke to death".

  5. I love how these are just 40 of your all-time favourites.

    This SpillIt site sounds incredibly pointless. I think it'll make a great New Experience.

    1. There are way more than forty messages. It's an ongoing project that I'll probably write another post about the next time I can't think of a better idea.

  6. This is hilarious! You take catfish to a whole new level! I'm so proud.

    1. Thank you for support in this matter.