Thursday, 26 June 2014
It came out on Monday morning. I tried to sleep, but ended up awake all night, despite wanting to avoid being one of those people.
E-mails were to be sent to let us know when results were available. I kept my phone by the pillow. Every so often I would check. The night crawled by. At around four I think I almost fell asleep. I was stuck in that in between state for two hours, but it felt like longer.
Just before 6:30 the e-mail arrived. I expected for my result to be contained within. It was just a notification, informing me of the fact that it was now available. I had to log in to my account on the official site to see my score. As I did so I could feel my heart begin to move faster. My face reddening.
Again I was met with disappointment as my result was not waiting for me upon log in. I had to navigate several menus and click through a few pages. My breathing becoming heavier.
Not good enough.
There are people around the country, and elsewhere, who were crushed on Monday morning. People who have had this aspiration their whole lives and in less than a second had to watch it die. People who have made several attempts at the exam, with pressure increasing each year. I was oddly relieved.
I'm annoyed at myself for not doing my best. I know I am capable of a better result. If I hadn't been sleep-deprived on the day, or messed up my timing on the first section then things might have worked out. I worked hard. I spent a lot of money on preparation courses. It all should have paid off. But it didn't.
I spent the whole year excited by finally making a decision regarding my future. I had a direction to move in. All I had to do was go. I had good reasons to want to study medicine, but I now realise that as a career it's completely wrong for me - I just don't care. I wasn't crushed by my result. I haven't even briefly considered repeating the exam, or going abroad which would almost guarantee me a place somewhere. I've given up.
I have until the end of this month to figure out what I'm going to do instead. My second choice was always Physiotherapy, because it put me in a similar working environment to a doctor, and the coursework involved a lot of Physics, which is cool. But fuck that.
My number one choice right now is Computer Science. I'm going to learn to code. Then I'll make several successful apps that are simple but colourful. I'll be rich enough by thirty that I'll never have to work again and I can look back on life proud that I never had to get a real job. The fact that anybody in this day and age is subjected to that is outrageous.