Sunday, 15 June 2014

Facebook Thoughts

I log on to Facebook several times a day, despite never being any closer to self-actualisation after.

I'm keeping tabs on the women I'm secretly attracted to. Looking through the photos they upload. But never liking any of them because they're good-looking enough and have enough friends that a lot of other people will. And I resent that for some reason. I'm collecting knowledge that might come in handy in conversation. Finding out the things they like so I can bring them up and casually say I'm 'not that into' them. Because I've noticed that women are more receptive to me saying I dislike things they enjoy than they are to me saying I enjoy them too and trying to start a conversation. It makes me mysterious, like owning an outdated phone does.

I'm also supporting my fellow introverts who don't post that much but when they do get very little engagement from other people. A like from me will probably reduce their self-loathing which I can relate to after every time I try to make a joke on Facebook, forgetting that nobody in my friends list finds things funny that aren't captioned images of the same things over and over, or the words 'I am gay', written by someone using someone else's account.

Most importantly though, I'm trying to avoid conversation. The chat function is off. I came here to look around. I don't want the staff bothering me. I found out recently that you can block individual people from knowing you're online. Or you can block everyone and choose people to unblock, which is what I have done. There are five people that can see when I am online. One of them is my sister, two of them are my best friends and the other two are attractive women that I hope some day message me.

Highlights from my Facebook feed right now include:
  • Somebody has discovered what their Game of Thrones warrior name is.
  • Somebody is Finally watching Maleficent.
  • A lot of people want to let their friends know that they have fathers by sending Father's Day wishes that their fathers will never see.*
  • Somebody added 20 photos from something that took place a year ago.
  • Somebody wants to let everyone know they volunteered at a charity sports event so they've written a long post about how inspired they were by the participants. It! Has! Lots! Of! Exclamation points!!!! Just to further convey the enthusiasm this person has for volunteering at charity events.
  • A 20-year-old has made the following status update: 'guys I got my first period!!! :D'
  • Somebody has made a status update stating that she is thankful for the close friends she has in her life, 'with [Redacted] and 24 others'.
  • Somebody with no background in film whatsoever has shared a video that I don't feel like watching and has commented 'Shot. For. Shot. Genius!!'
I'm not complaining. I'm the one who decides what comes up in my feed. I know exactly the kind of repetitive banal nonsense that people will post before I accept their friend requests. But I don't want to seem rude. And I'm almost certain there's a way to stop specific users' activity from appearing but I can't be bothered to look it up.

All of this seems worth it though, when I get a notification. That little picture of Earth turning red. That number. My heart racing. Virtual evidence that somewhere a person exists who briefly thought of me. 'Hey, come look at this!'

Unless it's an invitation to play Candy Crush. Never send me invitations to play games with you on Facebook. And never play games on Facebook. You're 25.

*Father's Day is allegedly celebrated on different days in different countries. It is presently Father's Day here. And possibly wherever you are.


  1. I would have responded to the "guys I got my first period" post with genuine enthusiasm. It's nice to see a young woman rejoicing in her own fertility. You could have asked her how many children she wants to have.

    To remove someone from your feed you just left-click the down-pointing arrow at the top right of their latest post. It gives you a list of options.

    1. I left a comment on your gay post too.

    2. In hindsight I probably should have asked for her to provide a review of the experience.

      And thank you for that Facebook info. It will be very useful to me in the immediate future.

  2. Great list!

    I find Facebook tells me so very much about my friends that I wish I never knew. Sadly, I can not unsee.

    And I am convinced Candy Crush is sending out the invitations to play "on behalf" of everyone that ever touched a Facebook account.

  3. Also, I am adding you to my Feedly reader. So, come off that ledge and stop writing that manifesto.

    You're welcome.

    1. You might have just saved my life.