Tuesday, 10 June 2014

20 Things I'm Currently Unhappy About

1. My level of abdominal definition.

Despite running more than ever, doing plank exercises and making a conscious effort to eat less shit, I still do not have a six pack. I have the outline of one.

2. My level of tan.

It's been less not sunny than usual in Ireland as of late. If I was guessing I would say it's because of it being summer. But summer usually lasts like a day in Ireland so I can only be kind of sure. My skin is darker. Well parts of it are. I have a farmer's tan. I still look paler than everyone else though. I prefer my old skin tone. Paleness is one of my stronger aesthetic assets.

3. My fake Okcupid profile was deleted.

I had an Okcupid profile which I devoted too much time to filling out. I was proud of how well it reflected my personality. It said I lived in New York, which I do not. It was useful for boosting my ego occasionally as women sent me messages telling me I was interesting/asking me if I murdered people. I was planning to write a blog post about it. Before doing so I posted a link to my profile on Reddit to get some feedback. Then my account disappeared. I assume someone reported it. I hate that person.

4. My hair is shit.

I cut my own hair. I do a good job too. It's easy. Particularly when the style you choose involves shaving 70% of your head. I get compliments for it all the time. Right now I'm trying to grow the top of it out in order to style it into a samurai man bun. It's taking a while. And because the fringe is longer than the rest it looks and feels weird on my head. I have considered shaving my head and adopting a similar style to Mark Renton in Trainspotting. Even if my forehead is probably too large for it to not look terrible. But if I do that then I'll have to wait another six months for a man bun. This is hard.

5. I'm afraid I might be getting cancer.

Recently on my Facebook feed I came across an article someone shared explaining that drinking from old plastic bottles and getting breast cancer might have some sort of causal relationship. I'm not sure of what evidence exists to back up these claims but I've been drinking from a lot of plastic bottles lately. I'm worried I might get breast cancer because I found out a few years ago that men can get that.

6. I can't solve a Rubik's Cube.

I went to a toy shop with several friends a few weeks ago. Because we're all terrified of adulthood. I bought a Rubik's Cube and was pissed off because I couldn't solve it. I could get the bottom layer but that was it. I then succeeded in learning the appropriate algorithm for the second layer. The rest of it is too hard for me to learn. I can't get the necessary muscle memory down for the remaining algorithms. And the cube won't move properly because I bought the cheapest piece of shit one I could get. I theorise that if I can learn to complete this, I can then use this skill to get a woman to love me.

7. I lack the motivation to finish 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami.

I want to do whatever the non-physical equivalent of sex is with Haruki Murakami. His books actually make me feel things sometimes. 1Q84 consists of three books and 1200 pages. I tend to get bored of characters and stories and pretty much everything very quickly. So getting through this is difficult, even though I want to.

8. I don't like my clothes.

I dress like a hipster douchebag who listens to IDM and reads Haruki Murakami novels. The fact that I actually do these things is why I have to start dressing in a completely different way. But I'm not sure if people are ready for that. I would rather dress more like a grown up and adopt properly-fitting dadcore outfits as casual attire. That's somewhat intimidating though.

9. Brienne of Tarth is fictional.

Or should I call her Brienne of my heart.

10. People still start online petitions that are kind of ridiculous.

Someone I know personally who I follow on Twitter recently tweeted a link to a petition to have a Supernatural convention be held in Ireland. Because if it gets 10,000 signatures it's just going to happen. Nobody needs to take responsibility for its organisation. Nobody needs to invite guests and vendors or organise an advertisement campaign. It'll just fucking happen. I also got really annoyed once because someone on Facebook linked to an online petition to have the Robin Thicke video for Blurred Lines taken down from YouTube because it's sexist. I don't like sexism but censorship is some North Korea kind of shit that I think needs to be kept away from the internet.

11. That I'm still not sure what is up with my hand.

If you don't already know, a few months ago my hand started to swell and my GP couldn't figure out why. I've had two blood tests. The second took place two weeks ago and I did not post anything about it. You didn't miss much, apart from the nurse telling me I have 'lovely veins'. On june 21st I have to see a rheumatologist who will hopefully be able to tell me what was up. I say was because it's fine now.

12. One of my teeth is further back than the rest.

I wish I had braces when I was younger, because there's a chance I might have gotten them for free under the Irish health system. As an adult I will not get them for free. And having braces as an adult is unusual. My teeth are pretty well-positioned apart from my top left incisor that is slightly further back than the rest of my teeth and both of my lower canines which are rotated slightly so look sharper than they are. Instead of a perfect smile I have a creepy supervillainous grin which would look great if I didn't look so innocent. I'm holding out for some accident that will leave me facially scarred.

13. The Big Bang Theory is still on the air.

It's on every channel all the time and it's annoying. I don't care about the show. I can't watch anything with a live studio audience or any sort of laugh track throughout. My problem is with some of the people that watch it. There are people who have some sort of superiority complex because they feel that by understanding references to things in the show they are better than other people, who they would deem not smart enough to get the show. And there are those people that think less of people who think of themselves as smart on the basis of their ability to 'get' the show who are just as bad because they think they're too smart to think of themselves as smart for enjoying a TV show. So much pretension, man.

14. I will never be in a band.

I can't play a musical instrument and I didn't start learning one before I became a teenager so I'll never be good enough at one to justify trying. I'll also probably never have the time to try to realise my potential as a musician because adulthood forbids that one have much free time. I will never create beautiful music during an intense jam session with my bros in the middle of the night, by candlelight with incense wafting through the air. Women will never become breathless as a consequence of the vulnerability in my words and the soft but masculine tone of my singing voice.

15. My acne is coming back.

I've been off my acne pills for three weeks. I'm still using the gel but it is not as effective on its own. My skin became incredibly clear after six months of taking the pills daily and now the acne is starting to come back. It's not as bad as before I started taking them but it's there nonetheless. If I stop using the gel it's likely to go back to the way it was, and that's a scary thought.

16. I don't have a radio show.

At the age of thirteen I got a scanner radio. I started listening to it through the night during the summer when all the unusual music was played and all the interesting radio DJs were on. From that I developed a love for weird electronic dance music and a great desire to have my own radio show some day. That day is yet to come. I want my voice to be heard, and not just figuratively. I want my warm tone tickling the insides of nocturnal ears. I need to read drunk texts from the strange people awake and listening to the radio at that hour. I fear it may never happen.

17. My art will never be good.

I've been drawing a lot lately. I'm starting to get good. I can draw things and they look like what they're supposed to look like. I can visualise things and render them without the use of any sort of reference. But I'll never be great. I have friends who studied art in school. They drew a lot in their spare time and every day they drew for an hour under the supervision of well-educated people who would point out how every individual aspect of their skill set could be improved. I will never have that. Which means I might never have an arty gf.

18. My jacket smells like weed.

I went out with friends for my birthday on Friday. We went to a gay bar. One of my friends put on my jacket when we left because he was cold. Then he went and smoked some weed while wearing it. It still smells like weed. And it's making my house smell like weed. But I'm too lazy too wash it.

19. I haven't written a book.

I want to write a book. I don't know if I could ever produce one that people want to read, but I want to give it my best shot. I have plenty of time. It's first on my to-do list once I inevitably grow tired of whatever career I end up in. But lately I've been wondering if it's what I should be doing as my career. One of my friends has written a book. He's editing it at the moment before he attempts to find a publisher. And that makes me feel like shit. Somebody who I honestly believe is less talented than me at something I love has managed to motivate himself to pursue something I've been dreaming of for years. And I probably still won't start on it any time soon.

20. My laptop is slow and loud.

My laptop helps me fill the time when I would be otherwise restless and lonely. It's probably got a collection of viruses that Malwarebytes has missed. The hard drive is full of episodes of The Wire I am yet to watch and other shows I got sick of before finishing. Both of these factors combined have resulted in my computer growing sluggish and sounding like it is constantly struggling to catch its breath. It's unnerving. I have considered paying to have somebody do something to make it faster and seem less like it might explode, but I used to work part-time in the PC repairs store in my town and I don't really trust the employees there. They might look through my files and find my blog or something. I think my best bet would be to buy a large hard drive to backup all my shit with and wipe the whole thing before reinstalling the OS. I probably won't get around to it for a while though, because doing that would take up a whole day that I could spend compulsively refreshing web pages.


  1. I love that you created a fake OKCupid profile, and I also hate the person who reported it.

    1. I hate them too. I have made attempts to obtain the contents of my profile again to show here, but they won't answer my e-mails.

  2. Man, you and I are alike in so many ways. The only big difference is that I have trouble admitting when I'm unhappy.

  3. Did they nominate every blogger in Ireland?? There's a million names there!

    I read and commented, but I'm not sure the comment went through. Also voted.

  4. I also can't get a tan, suffer from adult acne, and would love my own radio show! I'm impressed that you cut your own hair. Hope your hand feels better!


    1. My hand is fine now. That chapter of my life has ended. I hope.

  5. I checked out 1Q84 from the Library and extended the rental period twice. Got through about a hundred pages. Gave up.

    1. I've given up on it too. It's not great.